What motivates me?
This is a good question. What is it that motivates me? Competition? A chance to learn something? To do something on my own? To do something that others think I can’t do? To achieve something that others think is beyond my reach?
I don’t know for sure. While I want money, money is not my motivator. While I want power, power is not my motivator.
I am motivated by influence, though. And being highly thought of. Am I motivated by ego? What a terrible thing to be motivated by. I need to overcome that. Or do I really? Or should I accept my motivations and seek to be inspired by even higher ideals.
But if I hope to be motivated by higher ideals, what should those ideals be? What should be the thing that encourages people?
Self Actualisation? Purpose? Passion?
What are people motivated to accomplish in their lives? What do they want to do? What do they want to be? What do they want to have so badly that it drives them to do what they do?
I feel envious of those that can answer these questions. Jealous that they have a purpose while I can find none. It makes me feel empty. Empty and lost.
It’s not a nice feeling.
I should stop reading all that wishy-washy purpose and passion stuff. And stay off LinkedIn. There’s nothing in there to really define you for success if you don’t know what you’re passionate about. Or worst, to say how “living your passion” will help you earn a living.
That’s bullshit. Well, I call bullshit on that.
Maybe I just don’t see it.
There are people who make lots of money doing what they’re passionate about. And some that you wonder how are they making a living doing what they are doing.
Some people love photography and start photography businesses. Others, gardening, so they start a gardening business. What of those who want to help people? Do they earn a good enough living from doing that? Do they find it fulfilling enough that they don’t mind giving up greater things?
That’s what I wonder. And I wonder if I would ever feel that way about something. Willing to give up greater things just to pursue this higher ideal.
I like IT. I like Information Security. I like tinkering with new technology and learning about stuff. But it’s not a purpose. I don’t want to “connect the world” or anything. Or protect the people from “digital threats”. Yes, I do that, but I’m not driven by it. Heck, if I could do those things in a lab by myself and not really do it for people, I would. And I would be just as happy. No, let me correct that; I probably won’t because then no one would know just how good I am at doing what I’m doing.
So I need to do more. Be more. I have to stop saying I need to be anything. I am putting a burden upon myself for no reason. Yes, I am striving for more extraordinary things. But it’s not to say that I should be beating myself over the head for not doing what I should be doing, or rather, what I perceive that I should be doing.
I know there are other things I should be doing, and I do it, but I enjoy the techie stuff too much.
And I should enjoy it. It’s my comfort zone. It’s what I’m good at. It’s what I do. And people respect me for that. I should be boastful about it.
I am good. Very good.
Who else can learn python in two weeks and build a script that works? And works well enough. It’s what makes me special. I can take something and make it work. I just make it work.
Not many people can say that.
And after all that, I still can’t put my finger on what motivates me. I guess I’ll just keep trying interesting things until I figure things out.