So rather than killing myself writing a post, I’m going to take a shower and get to bed.
There’s going to be another day tomorrow that I can write again. Sometimes that’s just how it goes.
Live to write another day.
The internal musings of a disorganised mind.
Recently I’ve been finding myself wondering if I could have done better.
Better in my career. Better in my business. Better in my relationships.
As I get older, the feeling of regret of missed opportunities is getting worse. I’m finding it hard to stay in the present moment and enjoy what is in the now.
If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.
I know that what matters is the present moment. I can’t change the past. And the future has yet to come.
But it’s easy to forget that when you’re bombarded with so many things.
I know if I focus on the now much of the anxiety and frustration can be alleviated. But the anxiety and frustration are making it hard to focus on the now.
It’s a trap.
These anxieties are feeding my regrets, so first thing first, is to get back into my mindfulness practice be learn to be present once again.
So I can focus on what I have:
And then I can become what I could be.
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
Today was one of those days.
Almost everything hurts.
Head. Eyes. Throat. Back. Legs. Butt.
Yet, I still barreled through the day getting stuff done. And in the end, what do I have to show for it. I’m not getting anything extra for showing up.
I should have taken one of those perks of the job – the sick day.
But I didn’t.
Instead, I diligently showed up for my job doing the work without thanks or appreciation.
Fighting fires. Dealing with escalations. Decisions to make. Staff problems to resolve.
And the kicker – doing monthly reports to show how terribly I’ve done over the past month.
It just doesn’t seem worth it.
Perhaps it’s just me, but as I get older I find myself becoming more anxious and risk-averse.
I wasn’t feeling like this a decade ago. Back then I was willing to jump into my own business. I was taking on projects I’ve never done before. And willing to take on new challenges.
But now… I’m less inclined to do so.
Perhaps it’s the lull of a stable job (and pay) and more financial responsibilities as kids get older.
But looking back at it, there’s no reason for me to be feeling like this. Nothing has fundamentally changed except my age.
The number of children I have. The bills I pay. The cars I own. They haven’t changed.
The only thing that has changed is my attitude to the challenges that I’ve faced over the past 10 years.
While my attitude back then was one of optimism and “go for it”, my attitude now is one of cautious pursuit, to put it mildly.
Need to readjust, reframe, and restart.
Today I got up at 5 am and went for my Sunday morning run.
Bought fruits and newspapers on the way back.
Got home and made breakfast. My elder daughter was up so I made her breakfast too.
Afterwards, I deposited the recycling. Stopped at the gas station.
Back at home, I seasoned the meat that I was going to make for lunch – some pork chops and spare ribs.
Then a bathed the dogs. Then bathed me.
Then back to preparing lunch. Put the meat in the oven. Then prepared the vegetables.
Wash. Chop. Steam. Sautee.
The meat was done. Cut up the spare ribs.
A quick shower then a 10-minute break.
Then off to ironing my shirt, and the kids’ school uniforms.
Finished around 7:30 pm. Had dinner. Then sat down to type this up.
So busy. And I’m quite tired right now.
But what I wasn’t busy doing:
– Researching information for my final year project.
– Learning/practising development with Python.
– Learning ML/DL/AI.
– Mastering focus and time management.
It’s now the 1st of December and I haven’t made a dent in the things I planned to do this year.
I didn’t have to do many of the things I did today. I didn’t have to cook. Or iron the kids’ uniforms.
But I did it anyway.
And this is how procrastination works sometimes.
It’s not that you’re lazy. It’s that you decide to focus your time on other things.
Yes, I’ve done some useful things. But not doing my wildly important goals will hurt me in the long term.
Today passed by and didn’t get much done. It feels as though there’s just not enough time in the day to do all that I have to.
Yesterday I wrote about this scarcity mindset and how it reduced cognitive functioning. So I should have been in a better place to recognise that happening.
But knowing is not doing.
At the end of the day, I feel disappointed that I haven’t done as much as I have planned. But it will take time for new habits to form, just as it did for my writing.
Set up the cues, build the actions, and take time to enjoy the rewards.
I know that I am still a work in progress and I will improve as time progresses.
Dump. Delegate. Defer. Do.
There’s always too much to do, but if I focus on the wildly important ones, I will succeed beyond measure.
I watched a talk today, "The Hard Parts of Open Source" by Evan Czaplicki.
Evan is the creator of the Elm programming language.
I’m unfamiliar with Elm other than knowing it’s a functional programming language and that it’s open-source.
His open-source experience was the basis of his talk, starting with the negativity that open source creators often face. The discussion was less about open source and more about the community around it.
Now, while I’m a user of open source, I’ve not been a contributor. Not that I never wanted to, I just don’t feel like I’m good enough to even think about that.
But that’s a story for another time.
Anyway, back to Evan’s talk. He discussed how the way that communities are set up either allows negative comments to get in, or causing miscommunication of the intent of the comments. His main idea is that we should have communities set up that sets a default environment whereby people can have more constructive discussions to build the community.
The talk got me thinking a lot about the default settings form much of the environment is designed. From sites that keep you wanting more, or hotel paths that direct you to enticing areas such as the spa. That requires some contemplation.
For now, Evan’s talk was very enlightening and I very much encourage you to view it.
A little less than a month ago I said how I needed to lose some weight again. Since then I’ve lost about 5 pounds.
But no more.
This time has been much harder than the last. It’s not the diet, but the time and willpower required just to maintain this. My schedule just does not give me the flexibility to eat mini-meals during the day or exercise how I would like.
Back when I lost weight the first time it seemed so much easier. I mean it did take me some time, but the willpower to get it done was there. I wanted to lose weight.
What’s different now?
I would say the need is just not the same. Back then I was overweight and needed to do something about that. But now, it’s just not that big of a deal; I’m not overweight by any measure.
Also, I was running my own business, so I had much more flexibility. I could run 3 times a week and exercise for an hour a day. Now, it’s much less than that.
And mostly, the priority is different. Losing weight is not as important to me now as it was back then. I didn’t choose to lose weight. Instead, the doctor advised me. The buy-in is not there.
In all, this quest has been abandoned. I will instead continue what I’ve always done – eat healthily, and exercise regularly.
This is a blog mainly about my personal thoughts and opinions, but it's also a personal journey to self discovery.
Well I have, and I want to do something about it.