“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.”John Barrymore
Lately, I’ve been feeling, no, keep revisiting the past. Reviewing parts of my life, wondering if I changed things a bit what would happen now.
Would I be in a different place? Would it be better or worst, or just different? Would I be happier? Would I be more successful?
Have my own home? A successful business?
It’s a game that I’ve played since I was small, but now it seems to be getting worst. It’s getting to a point where I would feel almost disappointed with the choices I’ve made and where I am now.
Disappointed that I’m not somewhere better. That I’ve not accomplished more in my life.
Welcome to middle-age.
It’s a terrible feeling. As though if you haven’t made your mark yet, you’ll never make it. That if you have succeeded yet, then you’ll never do it.
While I know that’s not true, I can’t help but have that feeling. And sometimes, I can’t shake it.
It becomes a bit overwhelming sometimes.
I practice gratitude. I remember all of the things that I have done, what I have accomplished, and being grateful for all the good things in my life.
But yet I feel unfulfilled.
It’s not an unusual feeling. I’ve always felt that I needed to do more in my life. But these days, it feels as though I would never be fulfilled. That I would never do that thing or those things that would help bring me closer to fulfilment.
I’m getting old, I guess.
I keep going, though. Finding new interests. Looking at new ways and new things to do. I’m thinking of a career change as well. Just not sure of what options may suit me.
Mechanic. Inventor. Tinkerer. Writer.
All those I feel I could do. But which one? Or all, perhaps?
Maybe I would never be fulfilled, and it’s my mind pushing me to do more. Wanting me to stop wallowing in disappointment and keep moving and growing to make that mark that I know that I can make.
I am grateful for the life I live. And while I’m not satisfied with where I am, I probably never would. It’s the driver to push me to be a better person every day.
“We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one”Confucius